Brrrr...

colorado snow intermingles with desert dryness here, as i sit
silent and alone in this big old hand built farm-house...
tomorrow my new 'parents' arrive...
meanwhile they left phone numbers for their children who i can call today if i dare....
knowing all the while that the question will come up...
are you still in touch with [boy you loved last time you were here]?
and i am doing my best to train my heart to stay its pace...
to let my breath flow evenly through me....
that i might be able to answer calmly without a trace of the agony that has plagued me for the past 15 months...
actually, i haven't head from him in quite some time...
36 car ride hours contemplating my tendancy towards dilusion when it comes to matters of love began the process of finding the courage to ask the next natural question...
have you?
as of last night i have officially dreamed all possibilities except of course my Fantasy...that he, too, is thinking about me somewhere...
yet that is stuff of movies....
more likely he is abroad or alone or in love or gay....
last night my psyche had me face news that he was engaged....
i did not wake up in tears or with a constricted chest...
i know it is a fantasy...the whole idea of him. i know that
Love unarticulated is utterly worthless.
he is not mine. he never was. by placing myself here in this house
where whe shared time together two summers ago, i am forced
to face this tendancy of mine to love only whomever i cannot touch....
a waft of sadness drifted through me last night but to my great surprise it faded...
i don't at all feel his presence here...(why would i? he has been gone for so long.)
not in the room i sleep or the places we sat together (though i admit i have a few more to explore before i'm ready to learn the truth)....
alas...
sooner or later you learn to accept disappointment gracefully...
literally, there are other seeds planted here for me to focus on instead...
soon enough i'll know the truth....
deep breath....