3 AM

sweat
thick
like paste
on a wide
awake
night
winter
bed
me
alone
irregular
breath
pieces
of self
such as
shelves
and prayer
table
sold and
given
away
only
dust
left
behind
and i
smile
for my
manifest
wish
yet
sweat
is thick
like
papier
mache
on this
cold awake
night
and i'm
encrusted

Sadly Accurate Horoscope in Today's Paper

Horoscope*Wednesday, January 18th, 2006*Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

A romantic interest may not be what he or she appears to be now. You might not even realize that when others put up subtle resistances, you in turn tend to compensate with inappropriate optimism. Don't be too quick to think you can fix everything. Instead, slow down and do some soul-searching. You have more time to find happiness and/or love than you realize.

You tend to compensate with inappropriate optimism. Ha. That is an understatement! "Inappropriate optimism" undoubtedly accounts for some seventy-five percent of my past romantic relationships. Fantasies are sooo much more accessible to me than actual human encounters...yet from my 'tween years, I've always been realistic about my desires: Rule No. 1, no crushes on movie stars/pop music stars/icons on any sort. Statistically impossible.
Rule No. 2, find the guy that no one else notices. Odds are better in my favor.
...And so on.

As a result I developed far-fetched fantasies about characters in my immediate present: classmates, teachers, camp counselors, etc. My fantasies, of course, were fabrications loosely attached to the names and faces of my day to day. Thus a "hello" from little Abe Winnowski, which to him was over after he passed into the courtyard and ran to the kickball field, became entwined for me in the context of an imagined dialogue happening between to lovers, to whatever extent I could imagine what "lovers" did. And the rose-colored cheeks that Mr. Lemaire attributed to sunburned Irish skin were the flush of desire in a heart-racing girl.

So it was for a long time...that I went on feeling things deeply, while the men I projected it onto never seemed to perceive it. But as they grew, their intuitions did, too. I went on fantasizing, and it began to show more and more. Somehow, as if sleepwalking, I remained unaware that my actions were on display... And the awkwardness truly began...

Now, as a woman, I am not much different than my peers when it comes to lovers and fantasies. But when we talk to each other about the way a man Ran from our efforts in Love at the end of some relationship turned sour, I'm the only one who can literally remember the sight of my beloved's back, as I stood on the soccer field of one childhood crush, when he saw me on the sidelines, and sprinted full speed towards the locker room opposite me, because I simply couldn't take the hint and let him go....

Code

Whose nonchalance was it, anyway,
on those cross country pit-stop
colorado evenings--
pouring out of each our own
shifting stares, tumbling
over our lips
into potent drinks? Who
Started laughing and stopped
suddenly
as if in shame? Who rolled
Up cigarettes
as though they were our habit
when smoking was passe to us
then?
I remember watching as your
eye lids dove down for a blink and
they stayed down
eyes swimming
around on the floor at vague
feet and dirt beneath us
under the wirey
paint-peeling chair...
I asked you a question
or two
and walked out into the darkness
as you spoke...
mocking fascination with the fields, or
some particular glimmer
of Heaven's stars
that you could never possibly
compare to....
Which one of us decided to use
unassuming lingo
like 'rest your bones here'
and 'i'd like to see
colorado'? 'i'd like to
See You'
would have been honest...

Truthseeker

I am a Truthseeker..
You are an anecdote,
Who moves in step
With what I seek...
Paving a way,
As is yours to do...
And as it happens, I'm
Inclined to follow
What bricks you lay...
Not after you, per say...
But, down the path that is already
Worn a bit, and well lit...
It's self preservation, you see...
We are different that way...
In relation to our apparent dangers...

Indeed, I am a Truthseeker--
Surrendering my desires,
Etching away to the Core
Of my being, and it happens
That some prior essence of you
Has steeped the layer that I'm
Presently working through
For some time now
Previously undiscovered...
So I apologize if it reeks
And spills somehow over
Onto you..
Nonetheless, I must air it...

I am the Truthseeker
And you are a dream to me
Which is very risky business indeed...
For to carry you in my heart
Will result in eventual confrontation--
I cannot forget that you exist
Objectively , although my experience of You
Is utterly imagined...
And eventually my desires
Will weigh against reality
(perhaps very soon)...
Yet the dream gives me flight...
Pushing me towards my highest Self
And so right or wrong, I'm called
To follow it. It is a part of my Truth...
Though it may be cold, jagged wrought-iron
Or worse yet, warm soaked steel
Blood stained red, pierced
Inevitably
In the proverbial still beating heart....

Whichever Way the Wind...

The days are growing longer again
Sun is off someplace behind a layer
Of thickest rain-clouds, and the golden fields
Drink, and in return give off a
Green magic glow...
Wildflowers will bloom soon
To line the road of my path out of town...
Blossom fields slowly submitting to blankets
Of mountain snow
As I migrate northward...
A few weeks of Oregon rain
Kept warm by the warm firelight of truest friends
After that...off to Colorado, it appears...
Where I have been invited to work the growing season
West of the Rockies, in a beautiful
Red mountain canyon...
With beautiful people who emanate Love
And beautiful memories
Which have never ceased to inspire me...

On leaving...

Santa Cruz is named Saint's Crossing
And indeed my time here has been
Both Blessed and brief.
I wonder if there will ever be any aspect
Of "forever" in my life at all; and
at the same time, as I watch the false
Idols I've held close to me
Drift back into their prospective places
on the horizon....I see that
There are in fact Truths still in tact.
They bear little resemblance to my expectations, and I
Am endlessly grateful for that.
Indeed--my life is an exercise in disillusionment.
And my present work is to strip down
to the essential core of my existence...
It is about integrity...
I feel as though I've needed to Play
For several years... but
Now it is time for work. Soon enough,
If all goes according to my virtually unwritten "plan"--
those two facets of life will integrate
more evenly. And so I leave this place,
not with the pain and tears with which i came, but
With a radiance that emanates Holiest light
From within myself
which is beginning to guide me along my way...
I follow, despite the cries of concerned Others
That I must wade around a bit longer in life up to my ankles
Rather than closing my eyes and simply
Jumping in. I will check for sharks
And shallow boulders...but
Know I indeed will jump...

The trouble with personal ads

Titled: Katelyn please get in touch with me- m4w (kentucky)
Text: Katelyn, this is Jim from Denver. I am looking for you.
I want you back in my life. I will even come to you if you
Find me & want me back. Please let's be together again.

________________________________________________

Titled: Some other Katelyn- w4m ((she might be in tiger))
Text: I am not your Katelyn, but the moment's delusion
That you might have been, in fact, my "Jim"
Was worth the weight of reality setting in...