New Moon Night

Sluggish sleepy day...
I feel so not at all renewed...
Confused afraid longing
Amidst reluctant gratitude...
Praying begging for release
My heart, this want for you...
Yet clutching still, white knuckled
Beneath the sliver silver moon....

Should I resolve to close my eyes
To the headlights turning down the drive?
Calm my gutteral butterflies? Cease this sorry waiting?
Stop getting mail, and commense running
With each taunting telephone ring?
Even if I wanted to--how can I do these things?

Let go, let go...
For my energy depleats
Bit by gaping ten-ton bit
Each wish I send back East...
Let go, let go...
My greatest hope, most epic fear
Happily, you love some other!
Why must I suffer here?

This Love has gifted me so much--
Freedom vision writings dreams
All this, two years, and 1 mere touch--
Why can't I accept these as enough?
Divinest Love already--yet, no,
Somehow I cannot let you go!
But neither will I ask you to be
Such a whimsy fool as me...

Let go! I tell myself instead--
Let go the dream swirl in my head--
See it for what it likely is!
My dream. Alone. Not ever his...

I love you.....
My apologies.

This is how I must love you...
Patiently, and from a distance

For I love you as your are
And as your are is Everywhere

Or anyway...elsewhere
And if in truth you're happy there

Then I'll build an ocean from my tears
And swim with beach-splash joy...

I promise this, depite
The drowning feeling now,
Of waiting...

*sigh*

I aimed for you
And overshot
By about
1000 miles...

Prayer Upon Waking...

Child,
You think I left you
Just like so many drifters
Floating fleetingly
Through your tipsy
Troubled trailer
Street-rat world...
Yet I dreamed last night
Of holding you
Safe and sacred
In my arms
While you wept tears of fear
For you mutilated mama
Bleeding and blunted
In the stairwell...

Child,
How I wished
To shield your eyes
Yet you know much more than me--
I wish to ease your struggle, but I
Have breached her trust
On your behalf, with only
Sincerest interest at heart--
For her, for you
And I have tried to reconcile
But her hatred
Permeates
My waking hours and sleep...
I empathize...

Child,
I hide inside
The purple polka-dot house
That you built for me from crayon
And pastel paper
Whispering prayers
For your stability...
Telling you Your Mama Loves You
While your eyes leaked and your being shook--
A moment of anonyminity
In my loose arms...
You spoke cautiously from the Heart...
Why Isn't My Love Enough to Make Her Well?
So hard
For the Parenticised child to understand
The complexities
Of a suffering grown-up's world...

Child--You
Are the beauty and light
Of her life! Do
You ever feel your value?
You are the sun...
All of Earth and Heaven love you
As do I, despite
Reaching you only in dreams...
I am sorry that I failed you
And hope that I have not...

As you both know so well
Your home is with your mama
So long as she is standing
And I pray for her--
Indeed, I do--
For even
Without roof, without walls
You need no one more--

Child,
From 2000 miles
I seek to block the wind and rain
For both Woman and Girl
Just as you asked...
With wishes
And friendly gentle kisses
Blown on westward wind--
That your world might change
By way of bricks or magick--
And that
You might never need
This space I hold for you in my Heart--
Home here with me--
Most tragic
Least hoped for
Last resort...

A Kind Of Love Poem

I love you
It is true--
But what does that mean
Considering the
Mere moments that we've
Together shared
Spanning over several
Lonely years?

I love you
What does it mean, except
That I want to love you...
And have held my wanting tight within
An underwater swimmer deep breath
Until my chest ached...

I love you
Words crafted carefully
As if by the hand of an
Amature sculpter
Who builds in private
Rather than dare to discover
Disillusionment
And apply it accordingly...

I have relished
My dreams of you--
Latched on the idea
Of some "You" who bears
Your face, your name
Though in truth we've barely met...

I love you
I whisper the words
To my winterpond reflection
With secret hope
That some how they might sway your
Far off green grass heart
Like hypnosis...

Brrrr...

colorado snow intermingles with desert dryness here, as i sit
silent and alone in this big old hand built farm-house...
tomorrow my new 'parents' arrive...
meanwhile they left phone numbers for their children who i can call today if i dare....
knowing all the while that the question will come up...
are you still in touch with [boy you loved last time you were here]?
and i am doing my best to train my heart to stay its pace...
to let my breath flow evenly through me....
that i might be able to answer calmly without a trace of the agony that has plagued me for the past 15 months...
actually, i haven't head from him in quite some time...
36 car ride hours contemplating my tendancy towards dilusion when it comes to matters of love began the process of finding the courage to ask the next natural question...
have you?
as of last night i have officially dreamed all possibilities except of course my Fantasy...that he, too, is thinking about me somewhere...
yet that is stuff of movies....
more likely he is abroad or alone or in love or gay....
last night my psyche had me face news that he was engaged....
i did not wake up in tears or with a constricted chest...
i know it is a fantasy...the whole idea of him. i know that
Love unarticulated is utterly worthless.
he is not mine. he never was. by placing myself here in this house
where whe shared time together two summers ago, i am forced
to face this tendancy of mine to love only whomever i cannot touch....
a waft of sadness drifted through me last night but to my great surprise it faded...
i don't at all feel his presence here...(why would i? he has been gone for so long.)
not in the room i sleep or the places we sat together (though i admit i have a few more to explore before i'm ready to learn the truth)....
alas...
sooner or later you learn to accept disappointment gracefully...
literally, there are other seeds planted here for me to focus on instead...
soon enough i'll know the truth....
deep breath....

The
Eventual
Has
Become
Sudden--
Wind and
Whims
Carry
Me On A
Cool steady
Breeze
My dreams
Done
Dangling
Out of Reach--
Upon me now
Like a
Thin
Woven
Sheath--
Cucoon
And I
Am most
Immobile--
I am New--
Glistening
Like Larvae
Pearched
Before
Putating
On a dank green
Dripping
Morning
Leaf....

Black Widow Woman

Like it or not, I am
Holding you up
By invisible
Ephiemeral threads
Woven with spider's web-strength
And the safe sensation of
A soft woolen blanket
You choose not to see me, but
Seem to silently
Accept my presence
Sharing your space--
You tolerat my threads
Because I don't pull on them like chords...
You are no marionette...
And I have learned that you move best
When you dance freely...
I was never one to hold you tightly anyway
To me...
My arms don't have the girth
Your core desires; and I am at a lack
For lust and sex...
So this
Distance between us
Seems to suit the friendship fine...
So long as you continue not to crush me...
And I refuse to cut the ties
Despite otherly advice...

Let it be known...

That I am not in love...
That in truth my reality is that
Of a donut...
Fat and empty in the middle...
Sweet but too sweet for most...
One sugary mouthfull perhaps
But never any more...
Sigh...
The emptiness hurts...
Alot...
More than make-believing that
"He" is out there somewhere, loving me
So much that he's paralized to act on it...
In truth life just does not work that way..
People aren't mute....
Lovers don't exist if they never come to you...
The past means nothing...
The present is all there is....
And my future is a pending heart attack
Unless I fast forget the steady diet
Of Loving You
That has propelled me to this
Most recent timespace
Pearched like a fool on a ledge...
Filled up and expecting sustinance
From someone whose worth
Is mere empty calories....